In that moment, he lifted my face to meet his. He looked me in the eyes and touched my chin lightly.Then he kissed me. He kissed me like no one's ever kissed me before. I could feel the love between us. And when he stopped, he paused and kept his forehead on mine. His eyes closed and his breath heavy, he spoke for the first time. "I love you. I don't even know what love is but I know I love you." The words floated out of his mouth ever so slowly, kissed my ears and continued into oblivion. Finally, he looked at me. 

His eyes were the last thing I saw before I woke up. Even in the sunlight, the green and brown orbs glowed as they faded away like a old movie transition. 

It was all a dream. A fantasy, maybe. One thing's for sure it wasn't reality.

Later in the day, when I see him I will think of the dream, as vivid as it was. I will imagine it and it will hurt when I realize that it wasn't true. He will look at me, as I daydream, as if to say, "Are you okay?" He will not know that he is the reason my face is twisted with worry. I will shake him off, acting as if I am okay, and he will accept. We will continue to do this song and dance until someone gives up or gives in. 

I hope that someone gives in because this love is killing me.

Letter Goodbye!

I may feel wounded and hurt but I will never, ever regret the time we had.
I would redo everything a thousand times if I could.
I want to relive every moment because those were the moments that changed me as a person.
I became a better human being when I met you.
Sometimes the time, the place, the people, well, they just aren't right.
Maybe it wasn't the perfect moment we met? Maybe it was?
I will never place regret along with whatever it was we had.
Things fall apart only for better things to happen.
That's when the magic happens.
Goodbye, for now, my love.
Until we meet again.

I feel as if I am living an 80's movie.

I want you all to myself.
I am jealous of the moon and stars
As they watch you in your slumber.
I envy the sun for it gets to be the one
Who awakens you,
To see you in the moments before you wipe the sleep
Out of your eyes.


I am resentful of the sheets as they get to be near you
In the time I cannot be.

Your body is the vessel. It's the mind that I want.
It is what I am the most envious of.
I would give anything to spend even a millisecond
In your mind.
To see how you perceive the world.
To see how you perceive me.

Defining Love

Love can be a burden or a gift.
It can consume you
Tumble you around and spit you back out.
It can take you from this reality
Flip you upside down (or right side up?)
It can also be the most pleasant of days
Love can be the warmth on your face,
The small tickle from the breeze,
The stir of excitement in your core.
But once you fall in love there's no going back
Even when love wanes, you aren't the same person.
Love can be bitter or sweet.
A happy ending or a nightmare.

In the end, I felt love

When you were gone and all that stuff happened
I realized something
I realized that I win
I win because I can say, no matter what happens in the future,
that I knew him.
And if he isn't the one then the universe will bring me someone
else.
But in the end, I felt love.

It's when I look at you

And you see me 

But I know you don't really see me

Because this world has faded

Everything's at peace

And it's just you and the music

Thats when I am certain you are meant to do this.

To create 

To play 

To find yourself

It's the pauses in between the conversations

That you see who people 

Really are?

Insomniac

I awaken early in the morning before even the sun
You are what I think about
I go to bed late in order to stay near you
You are my insomnia
The lack of sleep is my sacrifice
They say you can't get it back
Well, good riddance
I'd rather lose sleep than lose you

Kundalini Awakening

She is primal

She's raw energy

She radiates passion, fire

Her eyes are like a temptress

Pulling you in to her world 

She is seductive

Spontaneous 

Wild

She is slinky like a panther

Once she has you, you are hers.

Whether foe or friend

Her being has captured you 

Like a car's headlights capture a deer

This is power.

Founded by the kundalini awakening....

I would be Prometheus.

I would suffer.

I would bask in the torture as my 

connection to you

My heart.

Is ripped away.

I would repeat this everyday

If it meant I wouldn't forget.

The Romantic Nightmare

For a moment, I forget about you.
I stop thinking of the possibilities.
The torture of not knowing.
I am in a void of complete
Nothingness.
For the time, it feels sweet
But then I miss you, I miss your torture.
I miss the forbidden love.
That's when I come back.
The romantic nightmare begins again.
The loving and not having persists.
The watching but not being
The deliberate pain of love is felt
like a hot knife to the skin.
I adore the pain.
Nothing but a romantic nightmare.

Don't you love the times when your mind is quiet

You begin to stop thinking and you just feel everything

The breeze, the air you breath

Inhale. Exhale.

Your pulse suddenly becomes rapid, quick.

It is loud. 

Like the kick drum.

The blood rushes to your face.

The place and people begin to blur together.

You are no longer there within yourself.

Your mind is free to wonder.

Those are the times when you truly find yourself. 

When you are sure who you are, where you are, where you're going.

Those are the best times...

Happiness

Happiness cannot be defined.
We all hold the definition within us.
Everyone's definition is different. Always changing.
It is only within that realm, that place within us
that we know happiness to be, that we are truly happy.
Once we know what makes us happy, we can
chose to be.
But it is a choice.
Just as much as we can choose to be sad, angry,
depressed, excited, surprised....
We can choose to be happy.
Give it power and it will thrive within that realm, within our being.
Give it nothing and...
It will choke us to death with the possibilities that it could be.
Stop searching.
Look within and find your realm.
The Nirvana moment we all strive for is nothing but a step away.

No self-help books, movies, motivational speakers, people, places,
adrenaline-filled experiences are going to get you closer to that moment.
It is only you.
We all have the key.

I had a dream about you

A nightmare rather

It was short and sweet 

But it scared me to death

My nightmare, my biggest fear:

You didn't love me.

It rocks back and forth, as I stare mesmerized
by the moon
I lift up my hand to meet it within my view
I grasp the moon in all its glory
For a moment, a sense of bliss overcomes me.
But then I put down my hand
It rests in my chest as I begin to think of you.

Do you miss me out here as I rock back and forth on the water?
Are you looking at the same moon and wondering what I do?
I turn my face from those thoughts.
I feel the pain within my chest as my heart cannot take the answers.
I turn back one last time at the moon.
Goodbye, my love.
I go down below deck to lay in bed next to my new lover.
Knowing, he will never be you.

Lost

Why is life nothing but a series of goals, aspirations, "wantings"?
Never "havings".
No moments when we are just doing, being.
When we are completely immersed in the world.
Lost.
I yearn to be lost.
I yearn to be lost with you.

Perception

I miss you
The details are becoming blurred
It's as if you were never here
A figment of imagination
The footprints of you are no longer there
Maybe just a wonderful dream I had
Now I am awake not quite sure if I am
Missing a dream or
Reality?

Invisible

I am invisible.
People see what they want to see
A sister
A daughter
A friend or foe
But they really don't see what I am
Who I am.
They don't see the pain nor the cuts nor
the desire to feel.
They don't see the frustration or the angst
No....

They only see what they want to see
And I...
Well I let them

Keeping You

The waves rushed over my head

Water blurred my vision

Filled my lungs

I was sinking and I didn't care

In the moments of death, I saw us.

I saw our future, our legacy, our life together

As my feet hit the bottom, I had a choice.

Give up or fight.

My body became limp. I watched as the last bubbles left my breath.

I gasped for air as I reached the surface.

I had to be close to you

Even if it takes death to remember.

I play the moments in my head over and over and over. 

Paint a picture of you in my head

The memory shall not dissipate.

I walk between two worlds waiting for you to come back. 

Not alive but not dead.

You will make the choice once you've made your decision.

I hope you choose me.

Enlightenment

The moment I met you

the world was shattered 

You broke the mold of what I thought

a man should be

You showed me a new perspective 

Enlightenment 

Now, I yearn for that naive version of myself

The version before I met you

because I don't want to know this love

unless it's with you.

Star freedom

We sit under the stars without words. 

For a moment, we are not on this earth

In our bodies 

In our minds 

We've left everything behind

We escape 

Tasting freedom for the first time.

As we feel ourselves floating, we capture the euphoria.

The stars rush passed our faces.

Constellations within us.

This is peace. 

There's so many things I would like to say to you but I just don't know where to begin.
We are in two different places
Two different lifestyles
Two different ages
But yet... we come together.

Every time I think of you I attempt to convince myself
that I can't possibly love you.
And when I begin to list the reasons why
I. Am. Blank.

I talk to you and I don't feel that spark. The butterflies. The excitement.
In fact, I feel at home.
I feel like everything's okay when I am near you.
You've become my normal. My familiarity.
I wonder. Am I that for you?

Maybe that's what love is.
It isn't in the moments of things. Maybe love is the familiarity.
The way you look at someone and just know that they will be apart of your life forever.
That you will watch each other grow up.
Maybe love is home.

Opening Our Eyes

It's funny how our prejudices get in the way. When we see people we see... Fat, skinny, blonde, hot, ugly, black, white, smart, dumb. But yet we all are the same. We all have the same strive for happiness; the same goal to fall in love and find acceptance. We want to belong somewhere. So, why is it that we can't stop the prejudice and start the acceptance. Instead of seeing what we want to see, we should open our eyes and see what is. The beauty of the human race. 

It may take a moment for you to realize you want to sleep with someone. But moments are fleeting. It takes a longer for you to find someone to love. But that love lasts forever.

I sleep to find you in my dreams. When I awake you haunt me gloriously.

Rose Colored Lenses

When I see you, I see love, wonder, beauty, joy. I see the winding roads that contain the endless hours of conversations. I see the moments when I fall in love. Moments I see you and you see me. Our rawest form. I see the long looks. The past, the future, the possibilities. I can't help but look at you and see our life together. It's in those moments when I am scared the most. It's then that I realize you have the control. You have the decision to love me or leave me. As I contemplate those possibilities, I realize it matters not. I am all in. I continue to watch the endless pathways remembering the moments, basking in your wonderment.

Cosmic Love 2

Awake.
                  .....
I grasp you for one moment longer
But we both know that I must go now. It is time.
I turn away from you and begin my journey.
I wish I could bring you back with me.

I enter the wilderness once again.
The thickets grab at me as I walk. They attempt to
push me back to you.
But I have to resist.

All the signs lead me back. But we are not ready.
Are we?
I continue into the darkness. I am confident.
I think back to our cosmic love and I know that the darkness
is nothing but an illusion.
It tugs me back and forth. Back and forth like a tight rope.
I have realized the cosmic love is not the external.
I possess it.
Internally.

I let the branches scrap and scratch me.
I let them bruise me.
I am indifferent once again about my outer layer.
I walk through the woods with my head held high.
Our love is real.

Suddenly the wilderness is no longer wild.
The thickets disappear.
And the light I am looking for has been found.
It is within me.
I glow like an orb, shining the pathway.

The fallen lovers no longer whisper their warnings.
As I look around, mirrors are scattered as far as the eye can see.
Hanging from branches, on stems, and covering the forest floor.
They show me the way you see me.
The beauty. The strength. The potential for greatness.

Travel Haiku

The rhythm beats in my heart
Like a drum; travel
Find yourself in a journey

Fallen Star

The lights twinkled in the sky.
Waves roared, the foam tips touched my toes.
I lay there watching the constellations. The twinkling lights.
Mesmerizing.
I think of you and what you may be doing in that moment.
In my fantasy, you are doing the same.
You may not be on the beach but you are somewhere
Maybe the city, doing the same thing.
You find a place where the sky is visible and you look up.
Your'e watching the same constellations and you think of me.

Together we watch the stars. Two different places but the same sky.
But that is just a fantasy.
In reality, you are probably in your bed sleeping. Dreaming about the potential
of falling in love with someone.
I sit on the beach alone watching the constellations.
The lights twinkling in the sky. Wishing you were doing the same.

The End

I do not know which way is up or down. Is the the floor the ceiling?
The ceiling the floor?
I know that it is the end. I must withdraw myself from these emotions.
They aren't right. I must admit to myself the truth.
He doesn't love you.he doesn't love you.he doesn't love you... he doesn't...
I say it over and over again through the tears as they roll down my face.
I am not sad. Disappointed, yes. But I am not heartbroken.
Why?
I knew the risk I was taking. I didn't heed the warnings and I took it.
We live in two worlds. There was a chance it wasn't going to work.
I cry for the loss. The loss of a friend, the loss of the memories, the loss of the feelings.

I love him still.
I love him because everyone needs someone to love them.
Everyone deserves to be loved by at least one person.
I love him because he is worthy of all love.

The love I have for him is different than any other love. It's real love.
It's the kind of love that's deep.
It's the kind of love that you have for your family. The kind that makes you risk it all.
The kind that loves the imperfections more than the perfections.
The kind of love where you have no personal gain. You want them to be happy.
The kind of love that almost makes you yearn for them to break your heart so you can experience
the pain and misery of being away.
That pain and misery still keeps you connected to them.

It may be stupid but I will love him forever.
I will love him even if he isn't the ONE.
I will make room in my heart for both him and someone else.
I love him.i love him.i love him.i love him again and again and again...

War with the Cursor

The flashing cursor taunts me. Challenging me.
Laughing, "What do you have next? Nothing?"
I sit, the laptop screen illuminates my face in the darkness.
I have been staring at the flashing cursor like a chess player to his board.
I think strategically, trying to be one step ahead of the it.
Flashing. Flashing. Flashing.
I still sit there. Suddenly the flashing becomes soothing. It almost lulls me to sleep.
I will not lose.
So i begin to write.
I write until I cannot think anymore.
I look at the page and I am satisfied for it is filled with words.
I look at the cursor. This time it is not taunting me.
No, the cursor is defeated.
It congratulates. I am a worthy opponent.

Dear Savannah

Dear Savannah,

Do not let the world crush you. Although you may get pushed down over and over again, you always get back up. Perseverance is who you are. You persevere even when there's no hope. In the end, you win. You are beautiful, kind, and smart. You love people more than you even love yourself. You help people even when you may need help. You give even when you have nothing. You love when no one else will. You are a good person. Even though it isn't said all the time, it is the truth. Always remember this. Never take yourself for granted. Forgive those who do because those people are too ignorant to see what's in front of them. Keep being yourself and the right people will come for you.

Guidance

"God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen."

-Serenity Prayer

Bloodsuckers, Dark Ones

They are bloodsuckers. The dark ones constantly keeping you guessing.
I am in a house of mirrors. The lights flash, the smoke fills the air,
the sounds creep.
Up, down, left, right.
The bloodsuckers surround me like moths to light.
Once I think I see them a mirror arises. Illusions.
I am kept guessing.

They cackle in the night air. They've won, I think.
I just want to scream, cry, kick something. Fuck it all.
Realizing that all I have is myself. My mind, my body, my spirit, my intuition.
But am I worthy? Can I really rely on just me?
Hollow bone, they call me.

I open myself up to the light. Ignore the dark ones.
The living dead. No soul but a physical body.
I continue to be the hollow bone.
I let him fill me with the truth. Nothing more.

I come out at night. Face the dark ones. They try to suck my blood.
But they can't get to me. I am no longer afraid.
My light is too bright for them.
I become the mirror of themselves.
They can't see. Blinded by their own evil.

Ode to the Moon

A glint in the eye of your observers

They look at your soft curves, melt in your

delicate light.

We are your children as you capture us 

Your seductive light, sweeping us off our feet

Come out in the night and you make us come alive.

                             ....

In the day, we may be tired. Worried, manic.

We may be rushing around like worker bees not caring

about the details.

But once the night falls, we become vampires

Hungry for the moonlight

Passion fills our bodies, a shiver rushes over us.

Calming.

We are apart of the night.

You are within us as much as we are within ourselves.

We come alive. Our pupils dilated, our breath fast, heart rapid.

Dumdumdum dumdumdum.

While the children sleep safely in their beds, we come out.

We emerge devouring the night.

Awaken us with your moonlight.

Memories

November. The chilly autumn day bit at my skin.
It reminded me that despite the picturesque view
fall bestowed itself upon us.
We drove up the winding roads

Ferrand. The name was new to me then.
Little did I know I would cross that road many times.
But I was naive to the events to come.

The house was crowded with people.
All of them foreigners.
I saw them as invaders into my personal space.
Their fake smiles and high pitched voices.
I was afraid.

I was a warrior defending myself from my own comrades.
I drew battle lines to allies.
I did not know. I was naive.

I withdrew from the room. From the crowd.
From my friends.

But you saw me. As you strummed your guitar slowly, you looked at me.
You looked at me like I was important.
Nothing condescending.
It was pure.
You observed me like a piece of artwork.
I was delicate almost untouchable. But my presence was thought-provoking.
You didn't devour me with your eyes. Push me down in your mind and use me for what you wanted.
No.
Your eyes touched me with softest feather. Tracing my body, enjoying the little things.
The curvature of my arm. The lines of my shoulders. The delicate bones of my wrists and ankles.

I was drunk off of that look.
Now that we have become good friends, I glance over from time to time
catching the same look on your face.

Every time we drive up Ferrand road, I think of November.

Cosmic Love

The words vibrate on the lips, always there
Right on the tip of the tongue.
In the pauses of my mind
the intervals in which there is no initial thought
I can't help but think of you.
As each day passes, the words take a life of their own.
They attempt to leap out of me each time I talk to you.
I close my eyes. Falling into the dream.
                           ....
I am in the wilderness. Walking through the thickets
The branches of the trees scrape my skin as I walk passed
I hear the crunch of the leaves on the bottom of the forest floor
It is the pieces of fallen lovers
They are a warning. Reminding me that there's a risk.
I disregard the messages.
I am all in.

I continue to walk towards your light
I disregard the doubts of the night
The forest gets thicker and thicker
My arms and legs are covered in the scrapes and scratches
I am disinterested in the surface wounds that cover my skin
Determined to find your light.

I come to the clearing
                             ....
You stand there your back towards me. The light pulses as it radiates off of you.
Suddenly I am stuck
The whispers of the night fill me with doubt.
I look down at my feet. Remembering the fallen lovers.
"Maybe I'm not..."

But before I can finish the thought I see a new pair of feet meet mine.
You lift my face to meet yours.
I see you for the first time.
You are a mirror. Bright and silvery.
I see myself in your reflection.
I see what you see.
The beauty that I contain. The power I capture. The potential for greatness.

For the first time, I realize that you are me and I am you.
No worries. No doubts. No fear.
                                   .....
You realize the same thing.
For when you see me, you see the same thing.
A mirror of yourself.
The beauty. The power. The potential for greatness.

This is the Cosmic Love. The once-in-a-lifetime love.
The love that is way higher than anything on this earth.
Star-crossed lovers.
Molded by a pact made on the stars at conception.

Three-thousand miles. Two families. Thirteen years.
Countless lovers.
Only for us to find one person.

The amnesia is lifted as we just bask in the cosmic love.
                              .....
Awake.

Escape to Keep the Magic

Today, I choose to escape from the world. Escape from the people, the problems, the sadness that we continuously focus on. For now, it's better to live in the imagination of it all than in the reality. Keep the magic alive. Escape.

Leftovers

Sativa Sweet

A hint of bubble gum

Ocean and Axe Sportblast

It is your smell.

I bask in the memory of it.

It's on my clothes, my hair.

It follows me everywhere I go.

I hope it never leaves.

I breath it in deep. Capturing it like a memory.

I want to grasp every detail. Worried that I will forget it.

I will forget you.

Impossible.

"I can't believe we will know each other for the rest of our lives. It'll be like growing up together."

Those words ring in my ears. Repeating over and over again.

Sending shivers down my spine.

I focus on the leftovers. Because until you come back that it all I have.

Come back to me!

Last Day

I drink you in as I trace your body with my eyes

Start at your feet, absorbing every inch of you

As I watch you, the mid-afternoon light shines in the window

It soaks into your skin as you sleep

I can't help but whisper "I love you".

I think.

I love you in every way possible

But I love your imperfections the most

The slight protrusion of the right elbow, an old sports injury

The wisps of hair that cover up your part

The freckles of your face

The way your lower lip sticks out when you laugh

The bottom row of crooked teeth

The freckle on your right eye lid

The speckle of green in your brown eyes

These things make you who you are

They remind me that life is beautiful in its imperfections not its perfections.

You stay asleep. Your hands to your sides. Body straight.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale again.

Dum Dum. Dum Dum. Your heart beats.

The clock ticks. Tick tick ticktick tick tick ticktick.

The last hours before you leave.

I just lay there drinking you in as I trace your body with my eyes.

Find Your Adventure

Love is not a task or duty. Love is an adventure.

Filled with excitement and a small amount of terror.

"Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you. Changes its mind."

Love isn't the determining factor. It doesn't last.

Love is like a sweet breeze in May.

It comes unexpectedly, hitting you with its sweetness.

But it is fleeting. Never overstaying its welcome.

Only the remnants of sweetness remind you that it was even there in the first place.

Yet its that moment we wait for.

Strive for.

And even though we know that it won't last. Even though we know we may not find it.

We still wait.

No, love isn't the determining factor.

It is a myth. A fantasy. A gimmick to keep us guessing, say the cynics.

Love is like God. You can either believe in it or not. Its your choice.

It is invisible to the physical senses and really can not be described with words.

 Words place love into a box. Puts bars around it like a prisoner when it can not possibly put into words.

Love is fragile. Love takes faith.

At many times, Love doesn't come through. You may pray. You may cry. You may plead.

But love can not be coaxed.

It just happens like a sweet breeze in May.







Quote: excerpt from White Oleander by Janet Fitch

June 25: Frustration

Some times I wish I could just SCREAM.

I feel like I do not fit.

Like I am the wrong key being shoved in a keyhole.

People do not understand.

They do not see. Instead they close their eyes harder.

They do not hear. Instead they cover their ears.

They do not think. Instead they just follow.

I can not stand them.

And because I am not one of them, I can not stand myself.

So I just go back to living away from the cruel world.

As I wait for them to be ready.

Will they ever be ready?

Connections

Every time I am with him I feel special.

The way he looks at me with his brown eyes.

The things he talks to me about.

The closeness.

We mesh together somehow.

I beginning to think that people see it. See us.

But... sometimes I wonder

if it's just me... until moments like this.

The moments when I can imagine the every day things

not just the exciting moments.

Moments are fleeting. They come and they go.

But when an ordinary day is just as precious as the moments

That's when you know its true.

Premonitions

As I walk listening to music and people watching, I see it.

Clear as day. It has occurred for the past few months but this time it's stronger.

More vivid.

Powerful.

This time he has a face.

I look away thinking that my eyes are deceiving me.

But in fact they aren't.

I have seen us. Flashes of things that never happened.

First dates, kisses, marriage.

But is it true? Can someone really see this about their own life?

It doesn't work that way. I repeat this over and over again.

But there have been many impossible things that have been true.

I didn't believe I would be living in California. But that is in fact true.

I attempt to make sense of it all. I fail.

Is it possible for there to be one person in this world made just for you?

I don't know. I just feel as if I have to stand at the edge.

Blindly waiting for him, whomever he is, to take my hand and jump.

June 6th: Waves

The waves call to me with their roars.

It sounds like a fire. The cackling and cracking as they pound the sand.

I look out into the black abyss

Created by the sky meeting the water.

I wonder, "how much bigger does the world get?"

We constantly live within our minds, within our situations, and our own worlds.

We forget that we are apart of something much greater. 

We are apart of the Black Abyss.

Now, the waves crash one after one like the pops of fireworks on the fourth.

It is the grand finale.

They rush to meet me, the waves. 

For the first time in my life, I feel free.

Will you jump into the abyss with me?